Tales from the Crevices of My Heart

Today at church, Kyle asked us to think about where we have seen God at work this past week and share. Right away, I thought, I'm not sure I've really seen God this week . Much of what is dominating my thoughts recently is that there's a war going on in the Ukraine! And then another thought came to me. I saw God at work in the ISS room on Friday!   In School Suspension, aka ISS, is the place kids go when they have crossed over some line or forgotten that their actions have consequences. I have duty there during 8th grade lunchtime on Fridays. Often there is a "customer" as we sometimes say, because by the end of the week, well, we all lose track of what we're doing! This is where I met Darius*, an 8th grader who had just recently moved into our school district from Trenton, which is a very urban district plagued with urban problems.  I walked into my "customer" hard-core sleeping. I roused him because ISS is not for sleeping, although it is a boring

 A piece of mail.  Something so ordinary that we often quickly flip through the stack, sorting out the junk mail for immediate recycling. This past week a piece of mail looked ordinary, yet it was not, by any means. Well it was ordinary in the fact that it served a purpose and was indeed from the USPS. This item was a change of address form from the USPS confirming that our daughter had indeed initiated this change.  I texted her the photo of this item of mail, which is what I usually do since she does live about five hours away. "Cool!" she says!  She had initiated the change of her permanent address. Hmmmm. Okay. I sit pondering how I got to this point and felt a bit of a void. So yes, she indeed is not moving back home. I knew that, but somewhere down deep inside, I needed this piece of mail to be in my mailbox to help me see that this is for real what happens when your kids grow up and move away, chasing their dreams as they go.

Pandemic fatigue is causing my deepening longing about so many extraneous things. I'm not sad, I've just got this gut wrenching, twisting, uncomfortable stretching inside me. In no particular order: I am longing... Longing for connection. Who can I talk to? Will someone please talk to me? Longing to reach out and touch my friends shoulder and pull her in close and hug her until we both feel like we made up for a year of being careful. Longing to feel the energy of four souls who inhabited a home together for 20 years to intertwine again in a space that's not quite large enough anymore. Longing for politics to never measure if a pandemic is real or not, ever again. Longing to know that soon my job will feel familiar again.  Longing for losses to lesson their heartache. Longing for company to ease my loneliness. Longing for rays of warmth on my face as I walk through the winding trails. Longing for my noisy neighbors to never play their loud club music again, forcing me to re

Bear with me a second... March 6, 2021: First anniversary of Janine's passing March 9, 2021: Tristan's 20th birthday March 10, 2021: 20th anniversary of my mother-in-law passing (Yes, she suddenly left us the day after our son was born. That's a story for another blog post.) And now, March 8, 2021: Helen passes away That's a lot of dates all close together that all give me pause. I think I need a spa day in the woods with my notebook to process it all. So this is what the week has been about. Losses with a celebration sandwiched in between the quiet moments of reflection and the sadness of losing another dearly beloved soul. I am not a sad person, honestly I'm not. But I am a bit sad this week, underneath my smile. I am someone who loves life and all that it has to offer, but I also know that with loving greatly can come great loss. This causes tears and stops you in your tracks as you go about your daily life. I miss my friends who brought me great moments of joy a

When I came back to the classroom after a 14 year hiatus, I was hoping for not only great connections with students, but also the kind of life long friendships I had from my first school. These coworkers of a decade and a half ago were authentic, deep, I-got-your-back-no-matter-what kind or coworkers, no questions asked. It was and continues to be a beautiful thing. I struggled to reinsert myself in a career that had changed so much since I was a part of it, and I longed, for my own sanity, to find that same unconditional work friendship love. My journey brought me to that friendship when I met Janine in September of 2016. I came to my new school when middle school teams had just been shuffled around and all the best teacher cliques had been broken up for fresh starts. Many of my new colleagues were not happy with the changes, but what did I know? I was hired as a leave replacement for a young woman, who I quickly found out, was not a desired team member, but this has nothing to do wit

The sun is in your eyes. The sun is in your eyes. Throw me the cold Throw me the cold, cold water of your smile again. A song by Jacob Collier, one of my son’s favorite artists. These words echo in my head today as I try to unravel my emotions. My son taught himself this beautiful song last weekend and sent me a video of himself singing it via text. He sent it after a rough work day. I called to talk to him and he was busy with college things. He later recorded himself singing this song and at the end he said, “I love you, Mom.” I cried a little, or maybe a lot, because I miss him so much sometimes.  He’s a caring guy. And then this weekend, my daughter came home for three days. Her birthday is next week, so we were able to celebrate her twenty-fourth  birthday together.  It was a delightful visit  filled with neck massages, laughter, and some deep conversation too. We covered all the bases. How’s your life out in Pittsburgh?  Which grad school do you WANT to attend? Which grad school