Longing

Pandemic fatigue is causing my deepening longing about so many extraneous things. I'm not sad, I've just got this gut wrenching, twisting, uncomfortable stretching inside me.

In no particular order:

I am longing...

Longing for connection. Who can I talk to? Will someone please talk to me?

Longing to reach out and touch my friends shoulder and pull her in close and hug her until we both feel like we made up for a year of being careful.

Longing to feel the energy of four souls who inhabited a home together for 20 years to intertwine again in a space that's not quite large enough anymore.

Longing for politics to never measure if a pandemic is real or not, ever again.

Longing to know that soon my job will feel familiar again. 

Longing for losses to lesson their heartache.

Longing for company to ease my loneliness.

Longing for rays of warmth on my face as I walk through the winding trails.

Longing for my noisy neighbors to never play their loud club music again, forcing me to retreat from my idyllic backyard.

Longing for others to care about me like I care about them.

Longing for my Covid birthday suit to shrink so my favorite jeans will fit again, and I'll feel comfortable walking outside without a long shirt covering my ass.

Longing to sit in a church pew and pray.

Longing to hear my grandmother's voice again, so much so that I play the videos I have of her over and over again in hopes that it may bring her back to life.

Longing to feel safe in an already unpredictable world.

Longing to have some space in the world that feels like I'm not worried, scared or tethered.

Longing to smile from deep inside.

I long to feel free. It's been a long time of not feeling free. Caged. Trapped. Afraid. Cautious.

Maybe putting words down will guide me toward this freedom and help me find that open space again.

Still there is so much longing inside me.

Comments

  1. KarenApril 7, 2021 at 6:35 AM

    I know how you feel. Boy, do I. So much of what you have written resonates. Connected. Safe. Hugs. This has been hard. There's a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it might be hard to see.

    ReplyDelete

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