Valentine's Day 2021

The sun is in your eyes.

The sun is in your eyes.

Throw me the cold

Throw me the cold, cold water of your smile again.

A song by Jacob Collier, one of my son’s favorite artists.

These words echo in my head today as I try to unravel my emotions.

My son taught himself this beautiful song last weekend and sent me a video of himself singing it via text. He sent it after a rough work day. I called to talk to him and he was busy with college things. He later recorded himself singing this song and at the end he said, “I love you, Mom.” I cried a little, or maybe a lot, because I miss him so much sometimes. 

He’s a caring guy.

And then this weekend, my daughter came home for three days. Her birthday is next week, so we were able to celebrate her twenty-fourth  birthday together. 

It was a delightful visit 

filled with neck massages, laughter, and some deep conversation too.

We covered all the bases.

How’s your life out in Pittsburgh? 

Which grad school do you WANT to attend?

Which grad school accepted you?

How do you see this unfolding?

No answer really.

More just like guesses.

Before she left, we went to see Helen.

Helen was our share-the-driveway next door neighbor when she and Brian lived next door to us for 18 years. They moved to the Philadelphia suburbs five years ago. They are huge mid century modern fans and a house came on the market that they couldn’t resist.

Bigger with space to showcase their kitchy collections of various vintage items.

The kids look at them as two of their favorite people since they’re known them their whole life.

Helen is like the cool aunt to Gwyneth.

Helen never had children of her own.

She would often accompany Gwyneth and me on clothes shopping trips to help mediate the teen tension that was clothes shopping with a mom who had no idea what was considered cool clothing.

She definitely helped me out!

It also made her relationship with Gwyneth even more special.

They started baking together every Christmas and wore fun matching shirts.

Helen lies dying in a hospital bed in her home’s “rumpus room.” 

Brian sits dotingly by her side stroking her limp hand.

Her right side stopped working two years ago when she had that seizure that they called a stroke 

Which was when the tumors were discovered in her brain.

There is nothing else to do.

But Helen LOVES visitors! 

She wants people to come and sit with her.

So we go and sit.

She’s been fighting.

She had as much medicine as her body could take.

The medicine worked for awhile

But now she’s in hospice.

We visit Brian and Helen.

Gwyneth made a heart shaped, pink cake for them.

We talk like it’s any other Valentine’s Day but we all know it’s probably Helen’s last.

How does she feel?

How does Brian feel?

I wonder.

She is sleepy and only one eye is really open.

Her head is tilted to her left side, the side that still kinda works.

Her face is puffy and she doesn’t look as much like the Helen who lived next door to us.

But it’s her.

She’s in there between the dozing.

She answers a few of my questions with a nod and a one word answer.

She gathers her strength when she can.

She can’t see my smile through my mask.

I wish she could.

It’s time to go.

No hugs just good-byes and I love yous.

Then outside we say good-bye to Gwyneth.

We do hug.

We hug tight and long.

Careful driving back to Pittsburgh!

Parting is always so mixed as we navigate this newer parent child relationship. 

And we drive back home and my heart is just so heavy. 

I feel guilty because I have so much good in my life.

I have two awesome, growing up just fine kids!

Why am I feeling sad?

I’m not lying in a hospital bed slowly dying.

I don’t know.

Life is fragile.

Love is complicated and losing someone is hard.

Now I’ll go have a Valentine’s dinner with Tom

One that he made for me.

I feel like I want to appreciate it forever.

I want to appreciate this misunderstood bittersweet feeling I have.

Feelings aren’t always simple.

Or in a straight line.

I want the sun to shine on Helen’s face and make her squint, just like Tristan sang to me. 

I want her to know we’re sorry she’ll soon leave us.

I’m lost in these feelings.

Helen and Gwyn  Feb. 2018

Gwyn, Helen and me celebrating Gwyn's 21st birthday. Feb. 2018