Missing Janine
When I came back to the classroom after a 14 year hiatus, I was hoping for not only great connections with students, but also the kind of life long friendships I had from my first school. These coworkers of a decade and a half ago were authentic, deep, I-got-your-back-no-matter-what kind or coworkers, no questions asked. It was and continues to be a beautiful thing.
I struggled to reinsert myself in a career that had changed so much since I was a part of it, and I longed, for my own sanity, to find that same unconditional work friendship love. My journey brought me to that friendship when I met Janine in September of 2016.
I came to my new school when middle school teams had just been shuffled around and all the best teacher cliques had been broken up for fresh starts. Many of my new colleagues were not happy with the changes, but what did I know? I was hired as a leave replacement for a young woman, who I quickly found out, was not a desired team member, but this has nothing to do with my story, except my new team members were happy to see me because I seemed like a better fit then the "on leave" teacher would have been.
I came to Team 6M (my school is Thomas Grover Middle School, so teams are T, G, M, S) and met Gene, Janine and Kaity. From the second I met Janine, I knew she was a powerhouse of a human.
She and I were about the same age and we quickly came to a deep appreciation for one another.
Janine was dealing with some "medical issues." I had heard the word "cancer" tossed around in side conversations with other colleagues, but everyone respected her privacy, although the looks on peoples faces when they would talk about Janine's' health always made me want to know more because they always looked so serious. You know that look when someone presses their lips together and makes a frown while they lose eye contact and shake their heads, all at once. Yeah, that.
One day, about two months into our year, I had a quiet moment with Janine and I told her that I had heard that she was dealing with some ongoing health issues. I added, "I don't know what exactly you are dealing with but please know if you ever need support or want to talk, I'm here. And I really mean that."
She smiled and said something about not wanting to burden people. I reassured her that it was no burden and that as I was getting to know her, I was coming to care deeply about her. It was then that she proceeded to tell me that she had had breast cancer 11 years ago. It was treated and she was cancer free! But then at the start of that year, the cancer had come back and it had come back in several places. She was undergoing some new therapies and it will be fine, but she may need to be out after her treatments, which were about every 4 weeks. She was more concerned about the stress it would put on us as a team and the students, rather how it would feel for her body. That was Janine.
And that was really all that was said. Her health issues were not the focus of her life. She was a doer and a "seize the day" kind of girl, and this whatever it was, was not going to stop her from living. Her life's moto was "Make someone's day today" and she walked the walk and talked the talk. You would not even know she was dealing with a stage 4 cancer diagnosis.
We had two wonderful, fun, cohesive, authentic, and deeply supportive years together as team mates. I had found what I had been hoping for...trusted, dear friends and not just coworkers. We would socialize on a regular basis as couples outside of school and over the summers.
We got each other, we cared about how each of us were doing and when Janine announced that she was going to transfer to another job in the district because it would give her more ease to be absent without all the lesson planning, we all understood but I will confess, I couldn't stop myself from crying right in front of her. I didn't want to think of not seeing her everyday. She said she felt the same way.
Of course, Janine's leaving our building didn't change anything though. If anything, it made our time together even more intentional and special. We made sure that we continued to socialize, text, call, and those connections got even stronger, despite Janine's failing health.
Janine left this world one year ago today on March 6, 2020. I was teaching in my classroom during a quiet Flex period when students are working on homework. My principal appeared at my door with another teacher to cover my class behind him and a look on his face that I'll never forget. I knew. He asked me to come with him as he took my hand.
I had visited Janine just the week prior and we all knew that the time was coming when we'd have to let her go. I had my physical goodbye, my hugs, my tears with her then but still, the finality of it cuts your heart into a million pieces.
Her funeral was scheduled to be Sunday, March 14. It was cancelled because on the day before the state announced preparations to shut down due to Covid19.
Her friends never had a chance to honor her and celebrate her life all together, like we should have.
I like ceremonies and rituals so I feel cheated out of the funeral goodbye. I feel like this was her rightful moment to see us all gathered loving on her. She deserved a town parade down main street in her honor. She was an incredibly selfless, yet completely grounded, human spirit.
The day Janine died was a Friday. I left school early that day and just came home to be with my feelings. Tom and I had tickets that night to a local, small town BYOB venue with an amazing singing artist. We still went because we both agreed that Janine would have wanted us to go. I drank three quarters of the bottle of wine we brought, while completely losing myself in the talented artists music. It was exactly what my soul needed that day and I felt Janine with me enjoying this moment.
The state of NJ shut down that Monday due to Covid. I haven't been to an indoor venue since that night.
So what do I know now, a year later?
I still feel a huge loss and I know I will cry and I can't focus on smiling when I think of not being able to see her. I'm sad she and I only had four years together because we often spoke about how we were like best friends who should have met 40 years ago.
I know for sure that Janine's up in heaven "making someone's day" and looking down upon us, with a smile and a sunflower in her hand. I know that she was with me the day she left us as I listened to the Adam Ezra Group that night at the Hopewell Theater. I know I was blessed with a true, authentic, deep, I-got-your-back-no-matter-what friend, the kind that you never forget.
Today I honor her with a walk in the woods, listening to her voice as a whisper in the wind as it dances around the trees. XO
*This post is written in honor of my dear and beloved friend,
Janine C. Lang (March 20, 1968 - March 6, 2020)
Team 6M: Gene, Janine, me and Kaity
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